On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Canada, Tiger Woods drives his new Ford Fusion into a petrol station in a remote part of the countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the morning to you, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick hello and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?" asks the
attendant.
"They're called tees,” replies Tiger.
"Well, what on God's earth are they for?" inquires the
attendant.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Fookin Jeysus", says the New foundlander, "Ford thinks of everything!"
7:13 AM
6:59 AM
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5:18 AM
It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers." "That's right!" the boy said, "But, how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.
The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead,
shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner. The teacher held the package
overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?" With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"
1:00 AM
The KGB had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the KGB agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“ We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her. ”
The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife, ”
The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”
The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home. ”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t
tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair. ”
9:45 PM
Someday u may loose ur hair.
u may loose ur teeth.
ur money.
and even ur mind.
but 1 thing u will never loose is ur good looks..coz be realistic u cant loose what u dont have!!
5:48 AM
In a crowded bus an older Monk, asked a standing pretty young woman to sit on his lap, which woman did to avoid getting bumped to other opportunists standing around.
In a short while she jumps and stands up. Anxious to help damsel in distress other passengers started watching curiously for what happened?
Embarrassed Monk pleaded, "My child, please sit down."
The angry woman pointed finger and yelled, "Baba, you have to first make IT sit down before I can sit again there."
4:13 AM
A business husband traveling to India and back, wife started reminding him how to benefit from such trips, buy and bring things for cheap from foreign. She said,
"When you are in India buy a few Sarees for me, on your way back when you stop at Dubai, buy lots of jewelleries for me. And when you stop at Paris buy some perfumes for me."
The annoyed husband asked, "Yes, and when I stop at Hell what do I buy for you?"
The smiling wife said, "Just bring your Videos for our watching together!"
10:25 AM
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started...
************************************************************************************
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started...
************************************************************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started...
************************************************************************************
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
************************************************************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. .
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
************************************************************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, 'Do you know him?'
'Yes,' she sighed,
'He's my old boyfriend... .I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
'My goodness!'
I said, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started....
************************************************************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning... So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started....
************************************************************************************
The Broken Lawn Mower:
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
2:28 AM
1) Never make noise in class coz others are sleeping.
2) Be absent to keep the campus clean.
3) Take some fruits for the animals in the staff room.
4) Always take books bcoz it acts like a pillow.
5) Never be early to class or else no one will notice u....
1:55 AM
This is a comic story called " Edirige Satare ", published in Tharunaya News Paper
1:45 AM
This is a comic story called " Edirige Satare ", published in Tharunaya News Paper
9:45 AM
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, and then the driver said: "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared me!". The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my 1st day as a cab driver. I've been driving a van carrying dead Bodies for the last 25 years.
3:44 PM
A man went to police station for filing report for his missing wife....
Man: I lost my wife
Inspector: What is her height
Man: I never noticed
Inspector: Slim or healthy
Man: Not slim can be healthy
Inspector: Colour of eyes
Man: Never noticed
Inspector: Colour of hair
Man: Changes according to season
Inspector: What was she wearing?
Man: Saree/suit/ I don't remember exactly
Inspector: Was somebody with her ?????????
Man: Yes my Labrador dog, Romeo, tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non veg food, we eat together, we jog togetherâ €¦. And the man started crying…..
Inspector: Lets search for
the dog first !!!!!!!
6:15 AM
When you were small,
You wanted were
TOYS , TOYS , TOYS
But now that you are big,
You want are
BOYS , BOYS , BOYS
2:30 AM
1. It is always possible to park
directly outside any building you
are visiting.
2. A detective can only solve a
case once he has been
suspended from duty.
3. If you decide to start dancing
in the street, everyone you
bump into will know all the steps.
4. Most laptop computers are
powerful enough to override the
communication systems of any
invading alien civilization.
5. It does not matter if you are
heavily outnumbered in a fight
involving martial arts - your
enemies will wait patiently to
attack you one by one by
dancing around in a threatening
manner until you have knocked
out their predecessors.
6. No one involved in a car chase,
hijacking, explosion, volcanic
eruption or alien invasion will
ever go into shock.
7. When they are alone, all
foreigners prefer to speak
English to each other.
8. You can always find a chainsaw
when you need one.
9. Any lock can be picked by a
credit card or a paper clip in
seconds, unless it's the door to a
burning building with a child
trapped inside.
10. Television news bulletins
usually contain a story that
affects you personally at that
precise moment you turn the
television on.
1:03 AM
When you climb the ladder of success,
Don't let the boys look up your dress !!
12:19 AM
When you get married and have a set of twins don't come to me, looking for safety pins.
7:31 PM
Lesson #1: Don't trash talk your boss.
Lesson #2: Always be thankful for what you've got.
Lesson #3: Family always comes first.
Lesson #4: Love letters should be kept secret.
Lesson #5: Don't skip Geography.
Lesson #6: I mean, really, dear, don't.
Lesson #7: Don't skip English either.
Lesson #8: Don't ruin surprise parties.
Lesson #9: You can't assume anything.
Lesson #10: Keep the jargon to yourself.
Lesson #11: Always make your mom proud.
Lesson #12: ... by don't telling her your plans.
Lesson #13: Keep some things to yourself.
Lesson #14: Not everyone is your friend in this world.
Lesson #15: And yes, girls are always girls.
7:22 AM
Father- You need to get more exercise if you want to grow up big and strong
Son- A tree is big and strong and it NEVER EXERCISES
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