A new sign in the Bank Lobby
reads:
"Please note that this Bank is
installing new Drive-through ATM
machines enabling customers to
withdraw cash without leaving
their vehicles. Customers using
this new facility are requested
to use the procedures outlined
below when accessing their
accounts.
After months of careful
research, MALE and FEMALE
procedures have been
developed.
Please follow the appropriate
steps for your gender:
MALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and
enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash
required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and
receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the
required amount to align car
window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the
window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all
contents on to passenger seat
to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you
will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into
machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier
access to machine due to its
excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find
diary with your PIN written on
the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter
correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash
required.
14. Check makeup in rear view
mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to
locate wallet and place cash
inside.
17. Write debit amount in check
register and place receipt in
back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash
machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate
card holder, and place card into
the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male
driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and
pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
"Hello, and welcome to the
mental health hotline... If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer. If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, Social Security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
After 2 years of selfless service,
a man realized that he has not
been promoted, no transfer, no
salary increase no commendation
and that the Company is not
doing any thing about it. So he
decided to walk up to His HR
Manager one morning and after
exchanging greetings, he told his
HR Manager his observation. The
boss looked at him, laughed and
asked him to sit down saying. My
friend, you have not worked
here for even one day.
The man was surprised to hear
this, but the manager went on
to explain.
Manager:- How many days are
there in a year?
Man:- 365 days and some times
366
Manager:- how many hours make
up a day?
Man:- 24 hours
Manager:- How long do you work
in a day?
Man:- 8am to 4pm. i.e. 8 hours a
day.
Manager:- So, what fraction of
the day do you work in hours?
Man:- (He did some arithmetic
and said 8/24 hours i.e. 1/3(one
third)
Manager:- That is nice of you!
What is one-third of 366 days?
Man:- 122 (1/3x366 = 122 in
days)
Manager:- Do you come to work
on weekends?
Man:- No sir
Manager:- How many days are
there in a year that are
weekends?
Man:- 52 Saturdays and 52
Sundays equals to 104 days
Manager:- Thanks for that. If
you remove 104 days from 122
days, how many days do you
now have?
Man:- 18 days.
Manager:- OK! I do give you 2
weeks sick leave every year.
Now remove that14 days from
the 18 days left. How many days
do you have remaining?
Man:- 4 days
Manager:- Do you work on New
Year day?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- Do you come to work
on workers day?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days
are left?
Man:- 2 days sir!
Manager:- Do you come to work
on the (National holiday )?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days
are left?
Man:- 1 day sir!
Manager:- Do you work on
Christmas day?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days
are left?
Man:- None sir!
Manager:- So, what are you
claiming?
Man:- I have understood, Sir. I
did not realise that I was
stealing Company money all
these days.
Moral - NEVER GO TO HR FOR
HELP!!!
Have a Nice Day
An Indian man walks into a bank
in
New York City and asks for the
loan officer.
He tells the loa n officer that he
is going to India on business
for two weeks and needs to
borrow $5,000.
The bank officer tells him that
the bank
will need some form of security
for the loan,
so the Indian man hands over
the keys
and documents of new Ferrari
parked
on the street in front of the
bank.
He produces the title and
everything checks out.
The loan officer agrees to
accept
the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank`s president and its
officers
all enjoy a good laugh at the
Indian
for using a $250,000 Ferrari
as collateral against a $5,000
loan.
An employee of the bank then
drives the Ferrari into the
bank`s
underground garage and parks
it there.
Two weeks later, the Indian
returns,
repays the $5,000 and the
interest,
which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says,
"Sir, we are very happy to have
had your business,
and this transaction has worked
out very nicely,
but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away,
we checked you out and found
that you are a multi millionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would
you bother to borrow "$5,000" ?
The Indian replies:
"Where else in New York City can
I park my car
for two weeks for only $15.41
and expect it to be there when I
return`"
Boss said to secretary: For a
week we will go abroad,
so make arrangement.
Secretary make call to Husband:
For a week my boss and
I will be going abroad, you look
after yourself.
Husband make call to secret
lover: My wife is going
abroad for a week, so lets spend
the week together.
Secret lover make call to small
boy whom she is giving
private tution: I have work for a
week, so you need
not come for class.
Small boy make call to his
grandfather: Grandpa, for a
week I don`t have class `coz my
teacher is busy. Lets
spend the week together.
Grandpa(the 1st boss ) make
call to his secretary: This week I
am
spending my time with my
grandson. We cannot attend
that meeting.
Secretary make call to her
husband: This week my boss
has some work, we cancelled our
trip.
Husband make call to secret
lover: We cannot spend
this week together, my wife has
cancelled her trip.
Secret lover make call to small
boy whom she is giving
private tution: This week we will
have class as usual.
Small boy make call to his
grandfather: Grandpa, my
teacher said this week I have to
attend class. Sorry I
can`t give you company.
Grandpa make call to his
secretary: Don`t worry this
week we will attend that
meeting, so make arrangement
~~ මහා සුවකරුමෙන් යාචක ඩබල
සුවවෙයි ~~
ලෙඩ සුවකරන මෙහෙයුමට
ගහන පෝස්ටරේට පොටෝ ගන්න
ගිහින් බුවා අයියා කොර
කරන්න ගිය හැටියි පසුගිය
කෑල්ලෙන් ලියා එව්වේ.
ටවුමේ බෝකර්
බුවා අයියා කොර කරන්න
සයිකල් ටියුබ් එකක්
ඉල්ලපු නිසා අයියා ගෙදර
ඉස්ටෝරුව පෙරළා පරණ
ටියුබ් එකක් ගෙනාවා.
”රයිට් දැං ඔය ටියුබ් එක
කපලා මේම දිගට ලොකුª පටි
ටිකක් හදාගන්නවා.”
”ඊට පස්සෙ..”
”රයිට් ඊට පස්සෙ...
අයියා ගේ කකුල මේම හොඳටම
නවලා දනිහට උඩිං මේම මේම
වෙලනවා. දැං සරම පාතට
දාන්ඩ... කෝමද පාර.. දැං..
පොටෝ එකට එක පයින් ...
රෙඩි.”
බුවා අයියා නැමීගෙන එක
පයින් සිටින අයුරුත්
මා ඔහුට ආසිරි පතන
අයුරුත් පොටෝ කැරිණි.
පසුදා ටවුම පුරාම
බොර්කර් බුවා සිය
කැචර්ලා දම්මවා පෝස්ටරයක්
වන කර තිබුණි.
පෝස්ටරය දුටු මම
වයබ්රෙට් වී ගියෙමි.
”අයිසෙ දැං.. මේක දැක්කාම
එකසිය ගාණට බුවාලා එයි..
ඔච්චර සෙනඟක් ඉස්සරහා මට
නං නිකං කෝර්චොප් වෙන්ඩ
බෑ ඔන්න.. එදාට
කලිං මං කොහෙහරි මාරු
වෙනවා..”
”පිස්සු නං කෙළින්ඩ
එපා බොස්.. අපි වැඩේ ගාණට
සෙට් කරලා \;යන්නෙ.. බොසාට
තියෙන්නෙ එදාට අපි කියන
හැටියට නටන්ඩ විතරයි...
පහුවදාට අත පිරෙන්න
සම්තිං එක ඉන්සුවර්..
බොස් මෙන්න මේ කොලේ තියෙන
හෑල්ල කටපාඩම් කරගන්න.
බොර්කර් බුවා දුන් කොළය
කටපාඩම් කරමින්
හා යාඥා කරන අයුරු
සෙත්පතන අයුරු පෙරහුරු
කරමින් කාලය ගත කළෙමි.
ඕං නියමිත දිනය උදාවිය.
බොර්කර්
බුවා කොහෙන්දෝ කිරි කිරි
ටොයියා මාළු පාන්
වගේ සුපර් සැලුන්
කාර්පතයක් සොයා ගෙන ආවේය.
බුවා අයියා ගෙනා ලෝගුව ද
ඇඳගත් මම බෝකර්
බුවා ගේ උවදෙසින් හැඩ
වැඩවී නගරය බලා ගියෙමි.
බුවාලා බුවීලා පිටියට
ඇතුළුවීමට පොරකති.
අපේ වාහනයටවත් යන්නට
ඉඩක් නැත. බොර්කර්
බුවා වහා එළියට පැන්නේය.
”ශාන්ති.. ශාන්ති.. කරුණාකර
මඟ පාදන්න.. ප්රේයර් ද
සේකර්තුමා.. කරුණාකර මඟ
පාදන්න...
බුවාලා වහා දෙපසට වී
රථයේ වීදුරු වෙත එබෙන්ට
වූයේ දෙඅත් මුදුන්
තබාගෙනය.
හොඳ වෙලාවට රථයේ වීදුරු
කට්ට කලු ටින්ටඩ් කොට
තිබුණි.
සමහර බුවාලා අතැවූ මල් ද
රථයට ඉස්සාහ.
වේදිකාවට නගිත්ම හතර
වටින් ඝෝෂා හඬ ද
අත්පොළසන් හඬ ද නැඟුණි.
මගේ කකුල් දෙක සර සර
ගා වෙව්ලයි. දිග ලෝගුව
නිසා එය කාටත් නොපෙනේ.
”මාගේ බුවාලාවෙනි... මම
ඔබලාට එළ ආරංචිය ගෙනාවා...
දෙයියන්ගේ නාමෙන් .. ලෙඩ
ඔක්කොම සකබලාස්.....
ලෙඩකාරයෝ එන්න...
මම වැඩේ අරඹුවෙමි.
මේ වෙලාවට අප කලින්
කතිකා කොට ගෙන
තිබුණේ බොර්කර්
බුවාගේ ගෝලයින් බොරු
ලෙඩුන් ලෙස
වෙස්ගන්වා කරන රඟපෑමකටය.
ඒ අනුව බුවියක් කෙස්ස
වනා කරකවමින්
මායං ඇක්ටිං පාරකින්
වේදිකාව අබියසට ආවාය. මම
ඇය සුවකිරීමට සූදානම්
වූවා පමණි ඉදිරි පෙළ
සිටි රවඩි බුවා ගැටව්
කීපදෙනෙක් වැඩේ කිච කළේය.
”මේ .. මේ.. ඒ අය නෙමේ..
ප්රේයර්තුමා..
පුළුවන්නං මේ දෙන්නා සුවකරන්ඩ..”
ඔවුන් ලෙඩුන් දෙදෙනකු
ඔසවා ගෙන ආහ.
ඔවුන්ගේ මුහුණු දුටු
බෝකර්
බුවාගේ මුහුණේ බල්බ්
පත්තුවෙනු පෙනුනි. ඒ වූ
කලී ටවුමේ අන්ධ
හිඟන්නා සහ කොර හිඟන්නාය.
”ම..ම..ල්ලි.. වැඩේ.. රීගල් ..
මොකක් හරි ජිල්මාට්
පාරක් දාගන්ඩ..”
බුවා අයියාගේ හඬ තිරය
පිටුපසින් ඇසෙයි.
හීංදාඩියත් මහදාඩියත්
දෙකම දමා මගේ ඇඟ තෙත්වී
ඇතත් ලෝගුවට පිං සිද්ධ
වෙන්න ඒවා බැතිමතුන්ට
නොපෙනේ..
පැනයන්නට දොරක්
සොයා වටපිට බලන මට
බොර්කර් බුවා විසින්
සෙට් කොට එවන ලද බුවිය
මායං වෙන හැටි පෙනුණි.
මම වහා හිඟන්නන්
දෙදෙනා වෙත ගියෙමි.
”නුඹලාට සුව වෙන්නට තව
කල් තිබේ. ඒ මොහොත උදාවන
තෙක් පැත්තකින් ඉන්න.. කී
මම මායං බුවිය වෙත
ගියෙමි.
”ඒයි.. මා සෝනා... රීරි
යක්හා... උඹට බෑ... උඹට බෑ...
ඔය බොඩි එකෙන් පලයං... මම
අණ කරනවා... උඹට බෑ...
පලයාං...” කී මම නැමී බුවිය
ගේ කම්මුලට පහරක්
ගසා කෙහෙවල්ලෙන්
අල්ලා සෙලවීමි.
අහෝ ඛේදයකි... කොණ්ඩය
ගැලවී මගේ අතට ආවේය.
දසතින් හූ හඬත්
හිනා හඬත් .. නැගී ආවේය.
මායං බුවිය ස්ටේජ්
එකෙං පැන්නේ පැති දොරටුව
වෙත යන්නටය. ඇනයක
පැටලුණු සාරිය ගැලවී ෂෝට
පෙනුනි.. ඒ සමඟම පැළඳ සිටි
වියාජ ලැමද ගැළවී හැලුණි.
මලසේකර.. ඒ.. බුවියක ලෙස
හැඩවී සිටියේ බෝකර්
බුවාගේ ටවුමේ ගජයෙකි.
”හු.. හූ.. ආන්න... කුඩු සනී
දුවනෝ...”
එනපොට හරි නැති බව
හැඟුනෙන් පාතට නැමී
ලෝගුව කැටිකොට අතට ගත්
මම ද දුවන්නට සැරසුනෙමි.
ඒ සමඟ වේදිකාවේ පසෙකින්
කෑගසන හඬක් ඇසුනි.
”ඒය්.. යකෝ.. උඹලට
පේන්නැද්ද..
පොට්ටයෝ වගේ බලං ඉන්නේ...
ආං.. අරූ.. පේයර් හොරා මාරු
වෙන්ඩ හදන්නේ.. ඕකට මාරු
වෙන්ඩ දෙන්ඩ එපා...”
අන්ධයා මා දෙසට අත දිගු
කර කෑගසයි.
”එයා... කොහෙද
දුවලා බේරෙන්නෙ.. මාත්
එක්ක.. ඔහෙ හිටපිය...”
කොරා විදුලිය වගේ දුවගෙන
එනු පෙනිනි.. මම
අපේ පාසලේ ස්පෝට් මීට්
එකේ සීය හතර සිහිපත් කොට
සියලු වගකීම් කකුල්
දෙකකට පවරා දුනිමි.
Boys go to college to develop the
mind, girls go to
college to catch them
before this happens.
Arguing with a girl is like wrestling
with a pig in the
mud. After some time
u realize that u r getting dirty, but the
pig is actually
enjoying.
A mother makes her son "INTELLIGENT" in 20 years, but a girl makes him "STUPID" in 2 mins.
My wonderful girlfriend and I
had been dating for over a year,
and so we decided to get
married. There was only one
little thing bothering me. It was
her beautiful younger sister. My
prospective sister-in-law was
twenty-two, wore very tight
miniskirts, and generally was
bra less.
One day "little" sister called and
asked me to come over to
check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived,
and she whispered to me that
she had feelings and desires for
me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to
make love to me just once
before I got married and
committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and
couldn't say a word. She said,
"I'm going upstairs to my
bedroom, and if you want one
last wild fling, just come up and
get me." I was stunned and
frozen in shock as I watched
her go up the stairs. When she
reached the top she pulled off
her panties and threw them
down the stairs at me. I stood
there for a moment, then turned
and made a beeline straight to
the front door.
I opened the door and headed
straight towards my car. Lo and
behold, my entire future family
was standing outside, all
clapping! With tears in his eyes,
my future father-in-law hugged
me and said, "we are very
happy that you have passed our
little test - we couldn't ask for a
better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family.
And
the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in
your car........
Rob, Bob, Tom & Jerry were finalists at a quiz show. One common question was asked of them.
Quiz Master »» What is the fastes thing in the world?
Rob »» It's LIGHT, nothing can travel faster than light.
Bob »» It's a THOUGHT, because thought is so fast it comes instantly to your mind.
Tom »» It's a BLINK, you can blink and it's hard to realize you blinked at all.
Jerry »» It's LOOSE MOTION
Quiz Master »» ( shocked to hear Jerry's reply ) Why??
Jerry »» Last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the worst stomachache, and before i coult THINK, BLINK or turn on the LIGHT , the shit was all over......
THE WINNER, JERRY of course !!!!
Dearest Miss Someone,
I am very happy to inform you
that I have fallen in love with
you since Tuesday, the 02nd of
January 2007. With reference to
the meeting held between us on
the 31st of December 2006 at
1500 hours, I would like to
present myself as a prospective
lover. Our love affair would be on
probation for a period of three
months and depending on
compatibility, would be made
permanent. Of course, upon
completion of probation, there
will be continuous on-the-
relationship training and
relationship appraisal schemes
leading up to promotion from
lover to spouse.
The expenses incurred for coffee
and entertainment would initially
be shared equally between us .
Later, based on your attitude, I
might take up a larger share of
the expenses. However I am
broad-minded enough, to be
taken care of, on your expense
account. I request you to kindly
respond within 30 days of
receiving this letter, failing
which, this offer would be
cancelled without further notice
and I shall be considering
someone else.
I would be happy,
if you could forward this letter
to your sister, if you do not wish
to take up this offer.
Thanking you in anticipation.
Yours sincerely,
Mr. Someone.
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This is a comic story called " Edirige Satare ", published in Tharunaya News Paper.
Once X asked Y, "What is the
secret behind your happy
married life?"
Y said, "You should share
responsibilities with due love
and respect to each other.
Then absolutely there will be
no problems."
X asked, "Can you explain?"
Y said, "In my house, I take
decisions on bigger issues
where as my wife decides
on smaller issues. We do not
interfere in each other's
decisions."
Still not convinced, X asked
Y "Give me some examples"
Y said, "Smaller issues like
which car we should buy,
how much amount to save,
when to visit home town,
which Sofa, air conditioner,
refrigerator to buy,
monthly expenses, whether
to keep a maid or not etc
are decided by my wife. I
just agree to it"
X asked, "Then what is your
role?"
Y said, "My decisions are
only for very big issues. Like
whether America should
attack Iraq, whether Britain
should lift sanction over
Zimbabwe, whether to widen
African economy, whether
Sachin Tendulkar should
retire etc. Do you know one
thing, my wife NEVER
objects to any of these".
.....____________________ , ,__
....../ `---___________----_____] - - - - - - - - ¦ ¦¦¦¦D
...../_==o;;;;;;;;_______.:/
.....), ---.(_(__) /
....// (..) ), ----"
...//___//
..//___//
.//___//
On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Canada, Tiger Woods drives his new Ford Fusion into a petrol station in a remote part of the countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the morning to you, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick hello and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?" asks the
attendant.
"They're called tees,” replies Tiger.
"Well, what on God's earth are they for?" inquires the
attendant.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Fookin Jeysus", says the New foundlander, "Ford thinks of everything!"
