Dear Mr. Bill Gates,
We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I want to bring to your notice.
1. There is a button 'Start' but there is no 'Stop' button. We request you to check this.
2. One doubt is whether any 'Re-scooter' is available in system? I find only 'Re-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.
3. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this 'find' button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.
4. My child learnt 'Microsoft Word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when you will provide that?
5. I bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows 'My Computer': when you will provide the remaining items?
6.. It is surprising that windows says 'MY Pictures' but there is not even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.
7. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the PC at home only.
8. You provided 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past Documents'?
9. You provide 'My Network Places'. For God sake please do not provide 'My Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.
Regards,
Banta
A new sign in the Bank Lobby
reads:
"Please note that this Bank is
installing new Drive-through ATM
machines enabling customers to
withdraw cash without leaving
their vehicles. Customers using
this new facility are requested
to use the procedures outlined
below when accessing their
accounts.
After months of careful
research, MALE and FEMALE
procedures have been
developed.
Please follow the appropriate
steps for your gender:
MALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and
enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash
required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and
receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the
required amount to align car
window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the
window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all
contents on to passenger seat
to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you
will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into
machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier
access to machine due to its
excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find
diary with your PIN written on
the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter
correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash
required.
14. Check makeup in rear view
mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to
locate wallet and place cash
inside.
17. Write debit amount in check
register and place receipt in
back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash
machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate
card holder, and place card into
the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male
driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and
pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
"Hello, and welcome to the
mental health hotline... If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer. If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, Social Security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
After 2 years of selfless service,
a man realized that he has not
been promoted, no transfer, no
salary increase no commendation
and that the Company is not
doing any thing about it. So he
decided to walk up to His HR
Manager one morning and after
exchanging greetings, he told his
HR Manager his observation. The
boss looked at him, laughed and
asked him to sit down saying. My
friend, you have not worked
here for even one day.
The man was surprised to hear
this, but the manager went on
to explain.
Manager:- How many days are
there in a year?
Man:- 365 days and some times
366
Manager:- how many hours make
up a day?
Man:- 24 hours
Manager:- How long do you work
in a day?
Man:- 8am to 4pm. i.e. 8 hours a
day.
Manager:- So, what fraction of
the day do you work in hours?
Man:- (He did some arithmetic
and said 8/24 hours i.e. 1/3(one
third)
Manager:- That is nice of you!
What is one-third of 366 days?
Man:- 122 (1/3x366 = 122 in
days)
Manager:- Do you come to work
on weekends?
Man:- No sir
Manager:- How many days are
there in a year that are
weekends?
Man:- 52 Saturdays and 52
Sundays equals to 104 days
Manager:- Thanks for that. If
you remove 104 days from 122
days, how many days do you
now have?
Man:- 18 days.
Manager:- OK! I do give you 2
weeks sick leave every year.
Now remove that14 days from
the 18 days left. How many days
do you have remaining?
Man:- 4 days
Manager:- Do you work on New
Year day?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- Do you come to work
on workers day?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days
are left?
Man:- 2 days sir!
Manager:- Do you come to work
on the (National holiday )?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days
are left?
Man:- 1 day sir!
Manager:- Do you work on
Christmas day?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days
are left?
Man:- None sir!
Manager:- So, what are you
claiming?
Man:- I have understood, Sir. I
did not realise that I was
stealing Company money all
these days.
Moral - NEVER GO TO HR FOR
HELP!!!
Have a Nice Day
An Indian man walks into a bank
in
New York City and asks for the
loan officer.
He tells the loa n officer that he
is going to India on business
for two weeks and needs to
borrow $5,000.
The bank officer tells him that
the bank
will need some form of security
for the loan,
so the Indian man hands over
the keys
and documents of new Ferrari
parked
on the street in front of the
bank.
He produces the title and
everything checks out.
The loan officer agrees to
accept
the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank`s president and its
officers
all enjoy a good laugh at the
Indian
for using a $250,000 Ferrari
as collateral against a $5,000
loan.
An employee of the bank then
drives the Ferrari into the
bank`s
underground garage and parks
it there.
Two weeks later, the Indian
returns,
repays the $5,000 and the
interest,
which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says,
"Sir, we are very happy to have
had your business,
and this transaction has worked
out very nicely,
but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away,
we checked you out and found
that you are a multi millionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would
you bother to borrow "$5,000" ?
The Indian replies:
"Where else in New York City can
I park my car
for two weeks for only $15.41
and expect it to be there when I
return`"
Boss said to secretary: For a
week we will go abroad,
so make arrangement.
Secretary make call to Husband:
For a week my boss and
I will be going abroad, you look
after yourself.
Husband make call to secret
lover: My wife is going
abroad for a week, so lets spend
the week together.
Secret lover make call to small
boy whom she is giving
private tution: I have work for a
week, so you need
not come for class.
Small boy make call to his
grandfather: Grandpa, for a
week I don`t have class `coz my
teacher is busy. Lets
spend the week together.
Grandpa(the 1st boss ) make
call to his secretary: This week I
am
spending my time with my
grandson. We cannot attend
that meeting.
Secretary make call to her
husband: This week my boss
has some work, we cancelled our
trip.
Husband make call to secret
lover: We cannot spend
this week together, my wife has
cancelled her trip.
Secret lover make call to small
boy whom she is giving
private tution: This week we will
have class as usual.
Small boy make call to his
grandfather: Grandpa, my
teacher said this week I have to
attend class. Sorry I
can`t give you company.
Grandpa make call to his
secretary: Don`t worry this
week we will attend that
meeting, so make arrangement
~~ මහා සුවකරුමෙන් යාචක ඩබල
සුවවෙයි ~~
ලෙඩ සුවකරන මෙහෙයුමට
ගහන පෝස්ටරේට පොටෝ ගන්න
ගිහින් බුවා අයියා කොර
කරන්න ගිය හැටියි පසුගිය
කෑල්ලෙන් ලියා එව්වේ.
ටවුමේ බෝකර්
බුවා අයියා කොර කරන්න
සයිකල් ටියුබ් එකක්
ඉල්ලපු නිසා අයියා ගෙදර
ඉස්ටෝරුව පෙරළා පරණ
ටියුබ් එකක් ගෙනාවා.
”රයිට් දැං ඔය ටියුබ් එක
කපලා මේම දිගට ලොකුª පටි
ටිකක් හදාගන්නවා.”
”ඊට පස්සෙ..”
”රයිට් ඊට පස්සෙ...
අයියා ගේ කකුල මේම හොඳටම
නවලා දනිහට උඩිං මේම මේම
වෙලනවා. දැං සරම පාතට
දාන්ඩ... කෝමද පාර.. දැං..
පොටෝ එකට එක පයින් ...
රෙඩි.”
බුවා අයියා නැමීගෙන එක
පයින් සිටින අයුරුත්
මා ඔහුට ආසිරි පතන
අයුරුත් පොටෝ කැරිණි.
පසුදා ටවුම පුරාම
බොර්කර් බුවා සිය
කැචර්ලා දම්මවා පෝස්ටරයක්
වන කර තිබුණි.
පෝස්ටරය දුටු මම
වයබ්රෙට් වී ගියෙමි.
”අයිසෙ දැං.. මේක දැක්කාම
එකසිය ගාණට බුවාලා එයි..
ඔච්චර සෙනඟක් ඉස්සරහා මට
නං නිකං කෝර්චොප් වෙන්ඩ
බෑ ඔන්න.. එදාට
කලිං මං කොහෙහරි මාරු
වෙනවා..”
”පිස්සු නං කෙළින්ඩ
එපා බොස්.. අපි වැඩේ ගාණට
සෙට් කරලා \;යන්නෙ.. බොසාට
තියෙන්නෙ එදාට අපි කියන
හැටියට නටන්ඩ විතරයි...
පහුවදාට අත පිරෙන්න
සම්තිං එක ඉන්සුවර්..
බොස් මෙන්න මේ කොලේ තියෙන
හෑල්ල කටපාඩම් කරගන්න.
බොර්කර් බුවා දුන් කොළය
කටපාඩම් කරමින්
හා යාඥා කරන අයුරු
සෙත්පතන අයුරු පෙරහුරු
කරමින් කාලය ගත කළෙමි.
ඕං නියමිත දිනය උදාවිය.
බොර්කර්
බුවා කොහෙන්දෝ කිරි කිරි
ටොයියා මාළු පාන්
වගේ සුපර් සැලුන්
කාර්පතයක් සොයා ගෙන ආවේය.
බුවා අයියා ගෙනා ලෝගුව ද
ඇඳගත් මම බෝකර්
බුවා ගේ උවදෙසින් හැඩ
වැඩවී නගරය බලා ගියෙමි.
බුවාලා බුවීලා පිටියට
ඇතුළුවීමට පොරකති.
අපේ වාහනයටවත් යන්නට
ඉඩක් නැත. බොර්කර්
බුවා වහා එළියට පැන්නේය.
”ශාන්ති.. ශාන්ති.. කරුණාකර
මඟ පාදන්න.. ප්රේයර් ද
සේකර්තුමා.. කරුණාකර මඟ
පාදන්න...
බුවාලා වහා දෙපසට වී
රථයේ වීදුරු වෙත එබෙන්ට
වූයේ දෙඅත් මුදුන්
තබාගෙනය.
හොඳ වෙලාවට රථයේ වීදුරු
කට්ට කලු ටින්ටඩ් කොට
තිබුණි.
සමහර බුවාලා අතැවූ මල් ද
රථයට ඉස්සාහ.
වේදිකාවට නගිත්ම හතර
වටින් ඝෝෂා හඬ ද
අත්පොළසන් හඬ ද නැඟුණි.
මගේ කකුල් දෙක සර සර
ගා වෙව්ලයි. දිග ලෝගුව
නිසා එය කාටත් නොපෙනේ.
”මාගේ බුවාලාවෙනි... මම
ඔබලාට එළ ආරංචිය ගෙනාවා...
දෙයියන්ගේ නාමෙන් .. ලෙඩ
ඔක්කොම සකබලාස්.....
ලෙඩකාරයෝ එන්න...
මම වැඩේ අරඹුවෙමි.
මේ වෙලාවට අප කලින්
කතිකා කොට ගෙන
තිබුණේ බොර්කර්
බුවාගේ ගෝලයින් බොරු
ලෙඩුන් ලෙස
වෙස්ගන්වා කරන රඟපෑමකටය.
ඒ අනුව බුවියක් කෙස්ස
වනා කරකවමින්
මායං ඇක්ටිං පාරකින්
වේදිකාව අබියසට ආවාය. මම
ඇය සුවකිරීමට සූදානම්
වූවා පමණි ඉදිරි පෙළ
සිටි රවඩි බුවා ගැටව්
කීපදෙනෙක් වැඩේ කිච කළේය.
”මේ .. මේ.. ඒ අය නෙමේ..
ප්රේයර්තුමා..
පුළුවන්නං මේ දෙන්නා සුවකරන්ඩ..”
ඔවුන් ලෙඩුන් දෙදෙනකු
ඔසවා ගෙන ආහ.
ඔවුන්ගේ මුහුණු දුටු
බෝකර්
බුවාගේ මුහුණේ බල්බ්
පත්තුවෙනු පෙනුනි. ඒ වූ
කලී ටවුමේ අන්ධ
හිඟන්නා සහ කොර හිඟන්නාය.
”ම..ම..ල්ලි.. වැඩේ.. රීගල් ..
මොකක් හරි ජිල්මාට්
පාරක් දාගන්ඩ..”
බුවා අයියාගේ හඬ තිරය
පිටුපසින් ඇසෙයි.
හීංදාඩියත් මහදාඩියත්
දෙකම දමා මගේ ඇඟ තෙත්වී
ඇතත් ලෝගුවට පිං සිද්ධ
වෙන්න ඒවා බැතිමතුන්ට
නොපෙනේ..
පැනයන්නට දොරක්
සොයා වටපිට බලන මට
බොර්කර් බුවා විසින්
සෙට් කොට එවන ලද බුවිය
මායං වෙන හැටි පෙනුණි.
මම වහා හිඟන්නන්
දෙදෙනා වෙත ගියෙමි.
”නුඹලාට සුව වෙන්නට තව
කල් තිබේ. ඒ මොහොත උදාවන
තෙක් පැත්තකින් ඉන්න.. කී
මම මායං බුවිය වෙත
ගියෙමි.
”ඒයි.. මා සෝනා... රීරි
යක්හා... උඹට බෑ... උඹට බෑ...
ඔය බොඩි එකෙන් පලයං... මම
අණ කරනවා... උඹට බෑ...
පලයාං...” කී මම නැමී බුවිය
ගේ කම්මුලට පහරක්
ගසා කෙහෙවල්ලෙන්
අල්ලා සෙලවීමි.
අහෝ ඛේදයකි... කොණ්ඩය
ගැලවී මගේ අතට ආවේය.
දසතින් හූ හඬත්
හිනා හඬත් .. නැගී ආවේය.
මායං බුවිය ස්ටේජ්
එකෙං පැන්නේ පැති දොරටුව
වෙත යන්නටය. ඇනයක
පැටලුණු සාරිය ගැලවී ෂෝට
පෙනුනි.. ඒ සමඟම පැළඳ සිටි
වියාජ ලැමද ගැළවී හැලුණි.
මලසේකර.. ඒ.. බුවියක ලෙස
හැඩවී සිටියේ බෝකර්
බුවාගේ ටවුමේ ගජයෙකි.
”හු.. හූ.. ආන්න... කුඩු සනී
දුවනෝ...”
එනපොට හරි නැති බව
හැඟුනෙන් පාතට නැමී
ලෝගුව කැටිකොට අතට ගත්
මම ද දුවන්නට සැරසුනෙමි.
ඒ සමඟ වේදිකාවේ පසෙකින්
කෑගසන හඬක් ඇසුනි.
”ඒය්.. යකෝ.. උඹලට
පේන්නැද්ද..
පොට්ටයෝ වගේ බලං ඉන්නේ...
ආං.. අරූ.. පේයර් හොරා මාරු
වෙන්ඩ හදන්නේ.. ඕකට මාරු
වෙන්ඩ දෙන්ඩ එපා...”
අන්ධයා මා දෙසට අත දිගු
කර කෑගසයි.
”එයා... කොහෙද
දුවලා බේරෙන්නෙ.. මාත්
එක්ක.. ඔහෙ හිටපිය...”
කොරා විදුලිය වගේ දුවගෙන
එනු පෙනිනි.. මම
අපේ පාසලේ ස්පෝට් මීට්
එකේ සීය හතර සිහිපත් කොට
සියලු වගකීම් කකුල්
දෙකකට පවරා දුනිමි.
Boys go to college to develop the
mind, girls go to
college to catch them
before this happens.
Arguing with a girl is like wrestling
with a pig in the
mud. After some time
u realize that u r getting dirty, but the
pig is actually
enjoying.
A mother makes her son "INTELLIGENT" in 20 years, but a girl makes him "STUPID" in 2 mins.
My wonderful girlfriend and I
had been dating for over a year,
and so we decided to get
married. There was only one
little thing bothering me. It was
her beautiful younger sister. My
prospective sister-in-law was
twenty-two, wore very tight
miniskirts, and generally was
bra less.
One day "little" sister called and
asked me to come over to
check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived,
and she whispered to me that
she had feelings and desires for
me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to
make love to me just once
before I got married and
committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and
couldn't say a word. She said,
"I'm going upstairs to my
bedroom, and if you want one
last wild fling, just come up and
get me." I was stunned and
frozen in shock as I watched
her go up the stairs. When she
reached the top she pulled off
her panties and threw them
down the stairs at me. I stood
there for a moment, then turned
and made a beeline straight to
the front door.
I opened the door and headed
straight towards my car. Lo and
behold, my entire future family
was standing outside, all
clapping! With tears in his eyes,
my future father-in-law hugged
me and said, "we are very
happy that you have passed our
little test - we couldn't ask for a
better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family.
And
the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in
your car........
Rob, Bob, Tom & Jerry were finalists at a quiz show. One common question was asked of them.
Quiz Master »» What is the fastes thing in the world?
Rob »» It's LIGHT, nothing can travel faster than light.
Bob »» It's a THOUGHT, because thought is so fast it comes instantly to your mind.
Tom »» It's a BLINK, you can blink and it's hard to realize you blinked at all.
Jerry »» It's LOOSE MOTION
Quiz Master »» ( shocked to hear Jerry's reply ) Why??
Jerry »» Last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the worst stomachache, and before i coult THINK, BLINK or turn on the LIGHT , the shit was all over......
THE WINNER, JERRY of course !!!!
Dearest Miss Someone,
I am very happy to inform you
that I have fallen in love with
you since Tuesday, the 02nd of
January 2007. With reference to
the meeting held between us on
the 31st of December 2006 at
1500 hours, I would like to
present myself as a prospective
lover. Our love affair would be on
probation for a period of three
months and depending on
compatibility, would be made
permanent. Of course, upon
completion of probation, there
will be continuous on-the-
relationship training and
relationship appraisal schemes
leading up to promotion from
lover to spouse.
The expenses incurred for coffee
and entertainment would initially
be shared equally between us .
Later, based on your attitude, I
might take up a larger share of
the expenses. However I am
broad-minded enough, to be
taken care of, on your expense
account. I request you to kindly
respond within 30 days of
receiving this letter, failing
which, this offer would be
cancelled without further notice
and I shall be considering
someone else.
I would be happy,
if you could forward this letter
to your sister, if you do not wish
to take up this offer.
Thanking you in anticipation.
Yours sincerely,
Mr. Someone.
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This is a comic story called " Edirige Satare ", published in Tharunaya News Paper.
Once X asked Y, "What is the
secret behind your happy
married life?"
Y said, "You should share
responsibilities with due love
and respect to each other.
Then absolutely there will be
no problems."
X asked, "Can you explain?"
Y said, "In my house, I take
decisions on bigger issues
where as my wife decides
on smaller issues. We do not
interfere in each other's
decisions."
Still not convinced, X asked
Y "Give me some examples"
Y said, "Smaller issues like
which car we should buy,
how much amount to save,
when to visit home town,
which Sofa, air conditioner,
refrigerator to buy,
monthly expenses, whether
to keep a maid or not etc
are decided by my wife. I
just agree to it"
X asked, "Then what is your
role?"
Y said, "My decisions are
only for very big issues. Like
whether America should
attack Iraq, whether Britain
should lift sanction over
Zimbabwe, whether to widen
African economy, whether
Sachin Tendulkar should
retire etc. Do you know one
thing, my wife NEVER
objects to any of these".
.....____________________ , ,__
....../ `---___________----_____] - - - - - - - - ¦ ¦¦¦¦D
...../_==o;;;;;;;;_______.:/
.....), ---.(_(__) /
....// (..) ), ----"
...//___//
..//___//
.//___//
On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Canada, Tiger Woods drives his new Ford Fusion into a petrol station in a remote part of the countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the morning to you, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick hello and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?" asks the
attendant.
"They're called tees,” replies Tiger.
"Well, what on God's earth are they for?" inquires the
attendant.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Fookin Jeysus", says the New foundlander, "Ford thinks of everything!"
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It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers." "That's right!" the boy said, "But, how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.
The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead,
shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner. The teacher held the package
overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?" With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"
The KGB had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the KGB agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“ We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her. ”
The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife, ”
The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”
The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home. ”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t
tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair. ”
Someday u may loose ur hair.
u may loose ur teeth.
ur money.
and even ur mind.
but 1 thing u will never loose is ur good looks..coz be realistic u cant loose what u dont have!!
In a crowded bus an older Monk, asked a standing pretty young woman to sit on his lap, which woman did to avoid getting bumped to other opportunists standing around.
In a short while she jumps and stands up. Anxious to help damsel in distress other passengers started watching curiously for what happened?
Embarrassed Monk pleaded, "My child, please sit down."
The angry woman pointed finger and yelled, "Baba, you have to first make IT sit down before I can sit again there."
A business husband traveling to India and back, wife started reminding him how to benefit from such trips, buy and bring things for cheap from foreign. She said,
"When you are in India buy a few Sarees for me, on your way back when you stop at Dubai, buy lots of jewelleries for me. And when you stop at Paris buy some perfumes for me."
The annoyed husband asked, "Yes, and when I stop at Hell what do I buy for you?"
The smiling wife said, "Just bring your Videos for our watching together!"
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started...
************************************************************************************
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started...
************************************************************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started...
************************************************************************************
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
************************************************************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. .
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
************************************************************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, 'Do you know him?'
'Yes,' she sighed,
'He's my old boyfriend... .I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
'My goodness!'
I said, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started....
************************************************************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning... So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started....
************************************************************************************
The Broken Lawn Mower:
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
1) Never make noise in class coz others are sleeping.
2) Be absent to keep the campus clean.
3) Take some fruits for the animals in the staff room.
4) Always take books bcoz it acts like a pillow.
5) Never be early to class or else no one will notice u....
This is a comic story called " Edirige Satare ", published in Tharunaya News Paper
This is a comic story called " Edirige Satare ", published in Tharunaya News Paper
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, and then the driver said: "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared me!". The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my 1st day as a cab driver. I've been driving a van carrying dead Bodies for the last 25 years.
A man went to police station for filing report for his missing wife....
Man: I lost my wife
Inspector: What is her height
Man: I never noticed
Inspector: Slim or healthy
Man: Not slim can be healthy
Inspector: Colour of eyes
Man: Never noticed
Inspector: Colour of hair
Man: Changes according to season
Inspector: What was she wearing?
Man: Saree/suit/ I don't remember exactly
Inspector: Was somebody with her ?????????
Man: Yes my Labrador dog, Romeo, tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non veg food, we eat together, we jog togetherâ €¦. And the man started crying…..
Inspector: Lets search for
the dog first !!!!!!!
When you were small,
You wanted were
TOYS , TOYS , TOYS
But now that you are big,
You want are
BOYS , BOYS , BOYS
1. It is always possible to park
directly outside any building you
are visiting.
2. A detective can only solve a
case once he has been
suspended from duty.
3. If you decide to start dancing
in the street, everyone you
bump into will know all the steps.
4. Most laptop computers are
powerful enough to override the
communication systems of any
invading alien civilization.
5. It does not matter if you are
heavily outnumbered in a fight
involving martial arts - your
enemies will wait patiently to
attack you one by one by
dancing around in a threatening
manner until you have knocked
out their predecessors.
6. No one involved in a car chase,
hijacking, explosion, volcanic
eruption or alien invasion will
ever go into shock.
7. When they are alone, all
foreigners prefer to speak
English to each other.
8. You can always find a chainsaw
when you need one.
9. Any lock can be picked by a
credit card or a paper clip in
seconds, unless it's the door to a
burning building with a child
trapped inside.
10. Television news bulletins
usually contain a story that
affects you personally at that
precise moment you turn the
television on.
When you climb the ladder of success,
Don't let the boys look up your dress !!
When you get married and have a set of twins don't come to me, looking for safety pins.
Lesson #1: Don't trash talk your boss.
Lesson #2: Always be thankful for what you've got.
Lesson #3: Family always comes first.
Lesson #4: Love letters should be kept secret.
Lesson #5: Don't skip Geography.
Lesson #6: I mean, really, dear, don't.
Lesson #7: Don't skip English either.
Lesson #8: Don't ruin surprise parties.
Lesson #9: You can't assume anything.
Lesson #10: Keep the jargon to yourself.
Lesson #11: Always make your mom proud.
Lesson #12: ... by don't telling her your plans.
Lesson #13: Keep some things to yourself.
Lesson #14: Not everyone is your friend in this world.
Lesson #15: And yes, girls are always girls.
Father- You need to get more exercise if you want to grow up big and strong
Son- A tree is big and strong and it NEVER EXERCISES
A drunken man staggers in 2 a Roman Catholic Church & heads straight for the confessional without saying a word.The priest waits 4 the man to confess abt his sins but the man remains dead silent.The priest then knocks on the wall 3 times in attempt 2 the man to speak.Finally the drunker replies ”NO USE KNOCKING PAL THERE'S NO TOILET PAPER”
Who says our English is teruk.?
Just see below - Ours is simple, short, concise, straightto point, effective etc........
WHEN GIVING A CUSTOMER BAD NEWS
Britons: I'm sorry, Sir, but we
don't seem to have the sweater
you want in your size, but if you
give me a moment, I can call the
other outlets for you.
Asian : No Stock.
RETURNING A CALL
Britons: Hello, this is John Smith.
Did anyone page for me a few
moments ago?
Asian : Hello, who page?
ASKING SOMEONE TO MAKE WAY .
Britons: Excuse me, I'd like to get
by. Would you please make way?
Asian : S-kew me
WHEN SOMEONE OFFERS TO PAY
Britons: Hey, put your wallet
away, this drink is on me.
Asian : No-need, lah.
WHEN ASKING FOR PERMISSION
Britons: Excuse me, but do you
think it would be possible for me
to enter through this door?
Asian : (pointing the door) can
AR?
WHEN ENTERTAINING
Britons: Please make yourself
right at home.
Asian : Don't be shy, lah!
WHEN DOUBTING SOMEONE
Britons: I don't recall you giving
me the money.
Asian : Where got?
WHEN DECLINING AN OFFER
Britons: I'd prefer not to do that,
if you don't mind.
Asian : Don't want la...
IN DISAGREEING ON A TOPIC OF
DISCUSSION
Britons: Err. Tom, I have to stop
you there. I understand where
you're coming from, but I really
have to disagree with what you
said about the issue.
Asian : You mad, ah?
WHEN ASKING SOMEONE TO LOWER
THEIR VOICE.
Britons: Excuse me, but could you
please ! Lower your voice, I'm
trying to concentrate over here.
Asian : Shut up lah!
WHEN ASKING SOMEONE IF HE/SHE
KNOWS YOU.
Britons: Excuse me, but I noticed
you staring at me for some time.
Do I know you?
Asian : See what, see what?
WHEN ASSESSING A TIGHT
SITUATION.
Britons: We seem to be in a bit of
a predicament at the moment.
Asian : Die-lah!!
WHEN TRYING TO FIND OUT WHAT
HAD HAPPENED
Britons: Will someone tell me what
has just happened?
Asian : Wat happen Why like
that....
WHEN SOME ONE DID SOMETHING
WRONG
Britons: This isn't the way to do
it here let me show you,
Asian : like that also don't know
how to do!!!!
WHEN ONE IS ANGRY
Britons: Would you mind not
disturbing me
Asian : Celaka u
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk.
"That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out. The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled,
"Grandpa will pay the bill."
A man joined a big Multi
National Company as a
trainee.
On his first day, he dialed
the kitchen and shouted into
the phone: Get me a cup of
coffee, quickly!
The voice from the other
side responded: You fool;
you've dialled the wrong
extension! Do you know who
you're talking to?
No replied the trainee.
It's the Managing Director of
the company, you idiot!
The trainee shouted back:
And do you know who YOU
are talking to, you IDIOT?
No! replied the Managing
Director angrily.
Thank God! replied the
trainee and kept the phone
down
Wife- i wish i was a newspaper, so i`d be in ur hand all day
Hubby- i 2 wish that u were a news papers, so i could have a new one everyday.
A pregnant woman boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition.
She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing.
She had him arrested.
Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner.
His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn’t help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement, which read: Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins.
I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement, which read: William’s Stick Did The Trick.
Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read: Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.
Little Jason was sitting in class doing maths problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.
Teacher: "Jason, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one, with your gun how many would be left?"
"None," replied Jason, "cause the rest would fly away.
"Well the answer is four" said the teacher, "but I like the way you are thinking."
Little Jason says: "OK. Miss, I have a question for you now. "If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting the cone , and the third was sucking the cone, which one is married?"
"Well", said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"
"No", said Little Jason, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking."
P- "Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?”
D- "Yes, of course...”
P- Great! I never could before!”
A man went to an women underwear company for a job interview. The manager says,
"If you can answer these 3 questions right, the job is yours!
We pack our panties in 7 packs, 5-packs and 12 packs. Why?"
The man thinks for a moment and replies,
The 7-packs are for Sri Lankan women: one for each day of the week.
The 5-packs are for American women : one each for Monday to Friday, and they don't wear panties on weekends.
The 12-packs are for India women : one each for January, February, March April, May, June, July, August, September,October, November,December...
He got the job.....
When a Girl Cries
----------The World "Consoles" her
But when a boy cries
----------They say Come on man don't be A "Girl"
If A Girl slaps a Boy
----------Definitely the Boy would have "done something"
If Boy Slaps a girl
----------Rascal doesn't know how to "Respect Ladies"
If a Girl is talking to Boys
----------She is "Very Friendly"
If a Boy talks to a Girl
----------He is "flirting"
If a Girl meets with accident
----------Then its "mistake of others"
If a Boy meets with same accident
----------"Don't you know how to Drive
What A World Is this
One day, Little Johnny's grandmother sent him to the water Hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and ran back to grandma's house as fast as he could.
"Where's my bucket and my water?" She asked.
"I can't get any water from that water hole, there's a mean ol' alligator down there!"
"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for years, And he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"
"Well, Grandma," replied Johnny,
"if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"
Universal law:
"Love can neither be created nor be destroyed; only it can transfer from One girlfriend to another girlfriend with some loss of money"
First law:
"A boy in love with a girl, continue to be in love with her and a girl in love with a boy, continue to be in love with him, until or unless
Any external agent (brother or father of the gal) comes into play and break the legs of the boy. "
Second law:
"the rate of change of intensity of love of a girl towards a boy is
directly proportional to the instantaneous bank balance of the boy and
the direction of this love is same to as increment or decrement of the
bank balance. "
Third law:
"the force applied while proposing a girl by a boy is equal and opposite to the force applied by the girl while slapping."
A first-grade teacher, Ms Tulip (Age 28) was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked," Boy, what is your problem?"
Boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
Ms Tulip had enough. She took Boy. to the principal's office. While Boy. waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Tulip he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed.
Boy. was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Boy: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Boy: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Tulip and tells her, "I think Boy can go to the third-grade. "
Ms Tulip says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions.
Can I ask him ?" The principal and Boy both agreed.
Ms Tulip asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Boy., after a moment "Legs."
Ms Tulip: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Boy: "Pockets."
Ms Tulip: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy: Coconut
Ms Tulip: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy. was taking charge.
Boy: Bubblegum
Ms Tulip: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...
Boy: Shake hands
Ms Tulip: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Boy: Yep.
Ms Tulip: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Boy: Tent
Ms Tulip: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Vodka peg.
Boy: Wedding Ring
Ms Tulip: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Boy: Nose
Ms Tulip: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy: Arrow
Ms Tulip: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?
Boy: Fire truck
Ms Tulip: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it u have to use your hand.
Boy: Fork
Ms Tulip: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
Boy: SURNAME
Ms Tulip: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?
Boy: HEART.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,
"Send this Boy to OXFORD UNIVERSITY EVEN I GOT THE LAST TEN QUESTION WRONG MYSELF"
This is a comic story called " Edirige Satare ", published in Tharunaya News Paper
This is a comic story called " Edirige Satare ", published in Tharunaya News Paper.
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts,which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again ....he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself!
'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'
The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'
It pays to be careful around old people!!!
Heck, we'll all be there one day!!!!!
This is a comic story called " Edirige Satare ", published in Tharunaya News Paper.
This is a comic story called " Edirige Satare ", published in Tharunaya News Paper.
This is a comic story called " Edirige Satare ", published in Tharunaya News Paper.
This is a comic story called " Edirige Satare ", published in Tharunaya News Paper.
This is a comic story called " Edirige Satare ", published in Tharunaya News Paper.
This is a comic story called " Edirige Satare ", published in Tharunaya News Paper.
Reporter: Hi
Egyptian: Hello
Reporter: Do u speak English
Egyptian: Berfect
Reporter: Do u mind if I interview u
Egyptian: No, I don't have a mind
Reporter: What's your name?
Egyptian: Taha
Reporter: Sex?
Taha: I love it
Reporter: oh no, I meant male or female?
Taha(yelling) : what do u sink?
Reporter: it's just for the sake of the report. Never mind... male....
Taha: No... I like female
Reporter: How do u find life here in Egypt ?
Taha: Egybt..Very nice cantry..nice wezar..nice food..byramidz
Reporter: Oh well..beside the weather and the pyramids..what else do u like in ur country?
Taha: Byramids, nice wezar, nice food
Reporter: DO YOU WORK?
Taha: Yas, when I am not buzy..
Reporter: What do u think about the traffic problem in Egypt ?
Taha: Very big broblem..very much cars..u see?..but za guvurment is trying to make it bettar..zey did a circle street and za mehwar street..and zey make all streets one way so if u go..u cant come back!!!
Reporter: What about the economic problems in Egypt ?
Taha: I do not undurztand what u say
Reporter: I mean..how do u deal with money problems in egypt ?
Taha: Egypt very rich cantry...we have alot of cotton..a lot of water..and we have byramidz
Reporter: So do u make a lot of money?
Taha: No no.. it is not legal to make money..one frend I know make money at home..and he go to brizon.. if u make money at home.. you will go to brizon
Reporter: let me rephrase..since Egypt is a rich country.. do u have a lot of money?
Taha: me? ...Not a lot…..but I eat and drink Alhamdulelah?
Reporter: Then where does all the money go?
Taha: Guvurment
Reporter: And what does the government do with the money?
Taha: Zey Build circle street, mehwar street and make all streets one way
Reporter: well , Ok...Do u vote?
Taha: What duz zat mean?
Reporter: Do u choose your president
Taha: Who, Mubarak?
Reporter: yes
Taha(nervously) : I didn't give my voice..But if I was. I will give him my voice
Reporter: Why him?
Taha: Because he was an airoplane in za war..he waz za leadar airoplane
Reporter: But there r no wars right now
Taha: But if we have war..u see?...we know we will have a very good airoplane in it
Reporter: what about the last 26 years?
Taha: I got marry..and have Ahmed an d Amira..and……….
Reporter: No, I meant Mubarak.
Taha: He also marry… and have…
Reporter (interrupting) :No, I meant what did Mubarak do for Egypt in the last 26 years
Taha: He build circle street, mehwar street and make all streets one way
Reporter: Thank you very much for ur time Mr. Taha
Taha: No broblem, only 10 bounds
Reporter: I never said i will pay u for this
Taha: ok ok…. Zanks a lot
